i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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