went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
