When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
