return my video game
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I think we might need a safe word for this...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
