Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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