I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
