I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
