I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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