i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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