Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
