I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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