I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
