Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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