I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
