Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
