I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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