I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
