I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
soo... how was my night?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize