either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
