Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize