My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
