Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
