i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
