Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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