I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
