I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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