I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
vagina is talking i cant
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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