when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
People in love make me want to vomit
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
