Can i not drive my cunt home
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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