I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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