my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
