Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
