How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My ass is underappreciated
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
