If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
