Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
