I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Welp...herpes.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
