this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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