i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
