Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Randomize
