just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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