i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
