What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
