maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
