the condom got lost in my hair
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
