You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Be still, my beating vagina.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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