I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
