My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
