It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
