I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
