I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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