First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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