dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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