now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
