Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
it's great music for shaving your balls
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
