Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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