Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize