my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
