Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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