Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
